The Universe Hates Me

I leisurely stretched in bed this morning, wondering why I felt so rested and why my alarm had not woken me up yet.  The glance at the clock almost stopped my heart.  It was 6:02. On Monday.  My volume was turned down. I was officially supposed to be at the hospital about 20 minutes ago.  I was out the door in four minutes, muttering curse words underneath my breath while I navigated through a whirlwind of clothes, dog food and toothpaste.

I hurried inside the hospital, and ran up the stairs- losing my shoe in the process.  I watched it fall down the whole flight of stairs when I heard an evil laugh in the corner of the stairwell.  A voice whom I’m presuming to be that of The Universe, said to me, “You haven’t seen nothing yet, kid- you’re day is just beginning… muahahaa.”

Indeed. Indeed it was.

I was immediately turned into a veritable cyclone, knocking over everything in my path- everything that I hadn’t already dropped with fingers that had, unbeknownst to me- been covered with butter the night before.

Let’s see, it started with my forgetting to put oxygen on my first patient.  Oops.  I suppose that is a necessary sort of thing for surgery.  Then with the next patient, I’m putting on the EKG stickers- thinking to myself, ‘Self, I really think these go on the opposite way.’ Yet I proceed.  Not more than 6.7 seconds later, my CRNA says to me, “You know you’re putting those on the opposite side, right?” Mind you, this is something that I have done- literally thousands of times in the past 7 years- not only are they color coded- but they also have little letters designated which arm and leg they go by.  Oy vey!! ( I’m not Jewish, but if I were, I feel like like I would say something like that at this point in time.)

I don’t even want to get into how I was able to put an OG (Oral Gastric- tube that goes into stomach) through this guys mouth and tied some sort of boyscout knot AROUND his endotracheal tube (tube that goes into lungs to breath for him).  I couldn’t have done that if I TRIED.  I think I deserve some sort of merit badge.

little instructional picture

I was then stuck in the room with a CRNA who is so OCD, I’m sure she has a specific method of flushing the toilet.  So this person is telling me- ‘turn that knob to the right two clicks, turn that knob down a few notches, etc’  Then it turns into, “Assist their breathing six to eight times a minute” Then I hear, “I said six to eight times a minute- this monitor says they’re breathing NINE times a minute!!” So I slow down a tad, then it’s “The patient needs to be breathing six to eight times a minute- it says only FIVE”.

I then start cursing loudly, throwing things about the OR, telling this person in no uncertain terms what an idiot they are. I nod and avoid eye contact for fear she would read the, “You’re an absolute nincompoop, and I don’t want to listen to you, but I must because I’m a student and I have to do everything you say” message that was radiating from my eyes like Darth Vaders light saber.

And so it was. The whole day.  Me, operating like a re-tard (said as in The Hangover) as I’m listening to the CRNA telling me that, “You’re just putting it all together now, you’re like a colt… beginning to learn how to walk…a little unsteady on your feet, but soon- in a month or so you’ll be a stallion rushing out of the gate.”  All I got from that was: in a month I’m going to be like a male horse… WTF??  Not exactly the uplifting message I was hoping for.

Just look for this guy if you're wondering where I am in a month or so.

The day was finally over, but The Universe wasn’t done with me yet. I quickly showered, changed into grown-up clothes and raced to a scholarship interview.  Why the interview? Can’t they just say, “You’ve been through enough today” and hand me a check?’

It didn’t matter that the women were nice or that it was easy- I was still a nervous, sweaty mess when I left.  Back, stomach, butt, armpits- all soaked.  I walk outside and notice in order to cross the street at the designated crosswalk, I’d have to walk UP A HILL, at least a hundred feet in the wrong direction.  It’s in the high 80′s with about 99.2% humidity and I’m wearing a long sleeve shirt.  I don’t walk up hills in those conditions. So I cross where I am.

Somehow in the course of my crossing, my tight fitting high heel managed to fall off and drop itself in the middle of four lanes of traffic.  I desperately shoved my toes back in and started doing the slide-shimmy-drag with my left shoe across the remaining two lanes of traffic, trying to get out of the way of the oncoming cars.  At this inopportune time, I realized Mother Nature thought it unfair that The Universe was having all the fun by himself.  So she sent Hurricane Auntie Flo to visit me; Apparently Flo is still holding onto some petty jealously about Katrina getting all the attention and is trying to make up for it.  By taking it out on me.

This guy would've done a better job at crossing the road than I did.

Generally, I’m the one poking fun of the spectacle that is the Flint population.  But today- marks the day that I became one of them.  Because if being the girl in the sweaty, drenched shirt and the bloody skirt crossing a major street dragging her left leg and shoe behind her like a lame, one-legged chicken doesn’t initiate me into the Flint ‘Hall of Shame’, I’m not sure what will.

I’d be a little more excited about the ‘not being pregnant’ bit, if I weren’t dreading the whole ‘becoming a stallion’ in a mere month or so.  Quit f-ing with me, Universe!

Oh yeah, one more thing.  Sending two Mormon missionaries to my house tonight was NOT funny, Universe.  Not funny at all.

Has The Universe been pulling on anybody elses chain lately??

Tagged as: Anesthesia, CRNA, Flint, Suz