I know. You’re probably thinking right now, ‘Actually…I really didn’t want to know anything about scrotums.’ This is why I’m here: to tell you stuff that you didn’t even know you wanted to know. Also, since I had to deal with scrotums all day, you have to read about it. ( I suppose technically you don’t have to- please don’t leave!) Plus with fun words like hydrospadiaus and orchiectomy how could you not want to hear about it?
Today was a day for reminiscing. Memories that would make a normal person vomit and cry for their mother, only cause me to wrinkle my nose in slight distaste. Back in the day (like a whole year ago) I used to have to touch scrotal junk and penises. As a nurse, I’ve seen more penis than any prostitute worth her salt. This is not something I’m proud of necessarily, but it usually makes me the outcast star at cocktail parties due to my incredible conversational skills, so I deal with it.
For instance, did you know that scrotum can swell up to gargantuan proportions?? Picture a cantaloupe and be thankful that I didn’t google a picture to include in this post. Or did you know that the skin can stretch so much, it can pop and squirt fluid all over?? Be warned, this is only funny if you are not the person being squirted with scrotum fluid. Retain all of this knowledge, and you too can never be invited back to every party you ever attend.
I had a bunch of cases today that included the above mentioned body parts. And it was wonderful. So gloriously wonderful- because, I didn’t have to come within three feet of any of it. In fact, I just hide behind one of those little blue drapes, with my eyes peeking over. Just like in the picture below.
Granted, it is obvious I am in a pool in this picture. I usually do not wear my swimsuit to the hospital- so use your imagination and imagine hospital-like stuff behind me instead of water. You might think it odd that I am so enthralled with scrotum. You think this story is gross. I find it inspiring. To me, I see scrotum and penis across the drapes from me and I think to myself, “Self, you NEVER have to deal with swollen, flaky, edematous, leaky, scrotum again!”
Now if that’s not enough motivation to continue to live across the country from my husband, all so I can wake up at 430am everyday, only to be lambasted daily and treated like a second class citizen while I’m doing somebody else’s work so they can drink coffee in the lounge- I’m not sure what is.
Today’s cases did leave me with a few thoughts to ponder- maybe you can help out.
- Why, why, oh why, would anyone want to take home their testicle after surgery??? And then get mad when told they can’t. Please help me on this one.
- To circumcise or not: not sure if this is a hot topic among the parents (religious reasons non-withstanding), but please, tell me why you couldn’t have decided to do it at birth? Why do you have to wait till the kid’s almost 5 years old to decide that foreskin is from the devil?? Can you say PTSD?? Worst summer vacation EVER!
On a completely unrelated note- it was a cheerless and gloomy day for me today as I had to go to the DMV and get Michigan plates. It was…er, interesting- to say the least. Actually, any public place in Flint is usually pretty interesting and they all deserve a three page post of their own, but I’ll spare you.
I wasn’t able to get a driver’s license, because apparently proof that you can drive in Colorado isn’t sufficient. They asked for DNA samples, a goat to sacrifice, and verification you’re not a terrorist. Maybe they just asked for a birth certificate and a passport, I can’t remember. Either way, I didn’t have my pet goat OR my birth certificate, which means another trip to the stupid DMV. This is way too much work to get something that I don’t even WANT.
Okay. Whew! Glad I got all that off my chest. I promise to not talk about anything gross for a while. Well..I guess it sort of depends what happens at the hospital tomorrow. Saturday’s are usually interesting…
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
I have a friend who was an ER nurse forever and the stories she has shared about all things of the penis sort have amused me for years. EMTs love to share those too.
No, here in CO you do need the pet goat, but only if you’re a Cubs fan, which means I’d better start hunting down a goat. I think I need to renew soon…
I would like a pair of faux testicles that feel like real scrotes that I could carry around with me throughout the day and squeeze like stress balls. I am not even implying that I would like to violently man handle a scrotal sack. I am just saying that it would be fun and may bring me inner joy.
Question: What is more disturbing? Elephant sized, fluid spraying man balls, or sick vaj-js? Nope, you gotta pick one over the other. You just gotta.
In response to my blog post, I often wondered what would come of my lady parts if I were to go completely natural for a month or two. Like would my lady parts suffocate and die? Or, could I potentially join the circus and start a new chapter in my life? Or would I develop a whole new appreciation for Gilette? You truly inspire me.
I am pretty stoked that I finally found a blog that kicks some ass. Hell yes to best friend-dom. HELL YES.
Chest bump!
1) That is not even a contest- sick vaj-j’s for SURE!! especially when they smell bad and have warts. (I wish I could say I hadn’t seen any of that). ewwwww. So absolutely disgusting!
2) Your lady parts may die- But until they did, you could totally join the circus.
I will never look at scrotums the same again. Well, I never look directly at them for too long anyway because I might just say something to the scrotum owner that I’d regret.
Great post!
Involuntarily shuddering at sickly vaj-j’s. You really are a champ.
A good run in the circus might make it all worthwhile.
GOOD GRIEF. I worked at a veterinarian for years, and thought I have seen it all. But it is obvious that I HAVE SEEN NOTHING. Whew. I think you are an excellent writer! Glad I met you on twitter! molly
I can’t imagine all that you see. And you continue to go back there. You certainly do rock.
Having kids is messy but at least they’re mine. Random stranger body parts I don’t think I could do. Grooosss!!! Glad you get the blue sheet and a decent amount of space! Do leaky scrotums smell bad?
I have no idea why you think wanting to take body parts home is weird… *clutches formaldehyded (I just made up a word) appendix in glass jar*
On “My Life on the D-List” with Kathy Griffin yesterday her assistant Tom got his scrotum waxed. And didn’t flinch. Not once. I don’t even have scrotum (to my knowledge, but I’m no doctor) and it hurt me to think about that. The skin… and… the balls… and I need to go look at painting of cute kittens for a little now.
You are most brave.
Of course I had to read this – thanks the title…kind of like a train wreck and no one can stop looking;) I LOVE your writing style and HUMOR. Thanks for stopping by Sunny Bug…you are more than welcome to sample anytime – I usually reserve that to the husband, kids, neighbors but I think they too are getting bored of butter cream!
@ Kim- I just think it’s weird to want to take your SCROTUM home in a bottle. An appendix or gall bladder is totally cool and normal.
@ Liz- I will be by your house later today for some cupcakes!
Scrotum Spew could totally work as a death metal band.
But we all know an band called the Diseased Vajayjays would not work.
Not like Hot Pagan Thunderpussy would.
These are the kids of thoughts I have when I read blogs on medical topics. So I will, of course, be back. Becasue I enjoy those thoughts. They are mine.
Betty Fokker recently posted..It’s all about the glamour- people
Um.. “Hot Pagan Thunderpussy” is my new favorite phrase. I’m going to use it in every way imaginable.
That’s what Hot Pagan Thunderpussy is for.
Betty Fokker recently posted..It’s all about the glamour- people
Also, Scrotum in a Bottle could totally be their power ballad.
Betty Fokker recently posted..It’s all about the glamour- people
Oh my gosh! Too funny! I started on today’s post and just HAD to see what the highlighted scrotum word linked to. Glad I did, and glad I came across your blog. I’ll be back. Your blog “rocks!”. You’ve just gained a follower.
terri recently posted..Im still alive
Ok, I got HERE by accidentally clicking on your sig from your comment on The Bloggess’ blog and, like a previous commenter, I HAD to follow the SCROTUM link. Especially since I have one.
I refer you and your readers to search YouTube for the Asylum Street Spankers and their song: The Scrotum Song. Trust me.
@Shash: “Do leaky scrotums smell bad?” That’s the question of the year!
I hear you about the DMV. You ought to see the one’s here in New York. The first time I tried to get a state I.D. (I don’t drive) I was told that my birth certificate was a fake (it’s not) and that Peoria, Illinois is a fictitious city (it’s not, unless I was raised in a fake town like Jim Carrey in that movie I can’t think of the name of.) Anyway, it took three trips and lots of screaming to get that I.D.
Marty Wombacher recently posted..Monday- July 26th- 2010—Bar 197
Oh- I can only imagine what the DMV is like in NYC- You could probably just go hang out there and then write a book about all the crazy shit that you’ve seen! So do you know HOW to drive- or do you just NOT drive (obviously you don’t need to drive in NYC)- just curious!
I know how to drive, but let my license lapse after I moved out here. I’ve been here for over 17 years now and haven’t driven ever since I moved here. That’s one of the things I love about NYC is that it’s totally void of the car culture. Most people I know that live in the city don’t drive or have cars. I walk to work and take subways and taxis to other places. I always hated cars and love living in a city where you don’t need one.
My mom, when we were all much younger, had to have her male cat neutered and asked if she could keep the removed parts. As a single parent of 2 young sons she used every opportunity to give my brother’s these priceless object lessons.
They also freaked out the salesmen at work (she kept them on the counter for a year or so).
Scraps recently posted..Affirmative!
Ha! That’s hilarious- nothing like a little impending threat of what’s to come if they don’t behave!
Great title and scary that they can swell up like that!
Thanks!
I do have a quick question. How do you get the cute little buttons on the side of your blog for your RSS feed, etc?
I am visiting from the 31dbbb fave posts.
Sheridan recently posted..Breasts are NOT for Entertainment Purposes