You could buy the latest copy of Running Magazine, or whatever it is runners read. But if you clicked this link because you’re too lazy to train properly, I’m just going to go ahead and assume you’re too lazy to go to the store and buy a magazine.
Sure, those articles may be written by professional marathoners. But I’ve got something that the so called “experts” don’t have…and that would be laziness.
You could say I’m an authority on the subject.
First step: sign up for the race five weeks before. This will give you enough confidence and make you believe that you have sufficient time to properly train.
Next, find a real training regimen online written by one of those so-called experts. Don’t waste much time looking at it, as you’re not really going to follow it anyway. Run the scheduled days for the week. You will be pumped up, oh-so-excited, and motivated.
Don’t worry- it won’t last.
After three more weeks, you’ll be stressed and anxiety riddled as you remember in one week you are supposed to run your first race ever– Which happens to be 13.1 miles long. Take another look at said training regimen. It would be best to follow it a little closer this time.
A week out, run the scheduled 10 miles. Works best if you have dog who can pull you up hills. Works even better if said dog doesn’t go on strike and lie down at mile seven.
Voila! Anxiety vanquished. If you can run ten, you can run thirteen. Worst part is officially over.
From here on out, the training just gets easier: A four mile run, A three mile run, a two mile run. Feel free to skip any of previously mentioned runs if they interrupt your napping schedule or if it’s raining outside.
This is the week to avoid all ‘encouraging’ family members who have recently asked you, “You’re not still planning to run the race, are you?” Or, they’ve told you what you think is going to be a heartening story about their friend who hadn’t run more than fifteen miles before his marathon, but instead end it with a flat, “He didn’t finish.”
The day before the race, start taking ‘The Experts’ advice and load up on carbohydrates. I’m not sure if you’ve ever taken a nutrition class, but I have…you should know that donuts, chocolate, and wheat beer have many carbs.
Wake up early on race day.
If your running partner doesn’t want to get out of bed, poke them on the forehead incessantly. If you don’t, you won’t have enough time to visit the port-a-potty before the race.
Trust me, the only thing worse than running 13.1 miles, is running 13.1 miles with an intense need to pee.
This won’t bother your running partner at all, because most likely, he/she actually reads Running Magazine and is faster than you allowing sufficient time to visit the bathroom during the race and catch back up to you…TWICE.
This is when you realize that previously mentioned running partner didn’t put timing clip on, not because he/she forgot, but because he/she didn’t want name associated with such a slow time. This doesn’t bother you, because you’re thankful to have somebody next to you who knows your burial wishes, should you have a heart attack.
Your running partner’s shame matters little at this point — Because by now you’re having FUN. You’re having fun…despite the fact you feel as if a group of masochistic midgets are stabbing knives into your legs while their taller brethren throw fiery darts down your lungs.
They’re an angry bunch, those little people.
Despite some sadist’s plans to thwart your successful finish by putting a freaking hill in the last half mile of the race, YOU, an out of shape person who has barely worked out in two years just ran a freaking half-marathon.
Obstinacy does wonders in the absence of preparation.
Apparently, goals are good too. I’d suggest setting them low. Mine were to finish, not walk, and not be last. I surprisingly accomplished all three and finished my first ever race in 2:13:27.
I never thought I’d be so proud to be in 2374th place.
Do you have any training tips for us lazy folks?
(A big thank you to all my family who woke up early to come and cheer me on. Also to my husband, who put away his competitive streak for the day so we could run together)
I’ve got a new Facebook page– if you don’t hate puppies, go “Like” it.